When third team manager Andy Walter found out that we were playing on a pitch next to a women’s hockey match he was extremely concerned that the sight of a load of young girls in short skirts might distract his side in their clash with HSBC. As it turned out he had no need to worry as the hockey playing females, and I use the term loosely, had thighs the size of tree trunks and arses that you could rest a pint on and park your bike in. The finely tuned athletes representing Carshalton didn’t bat an eyelid, apart from skipper Dave Paterson who couldn’t take his eyes of them for the ninety minutes. Needless to say he went on to pull one of them later on in Beckenham, and he’s still got the bruises to show for it!

The third team, or indeed any team, won’t play on a better surface all season, although the pitch was on the small side resulting in frenetic, and at times, chaotic football. Carshalton started extremely well with Paul Neil and Tony Edwards leading the line superbly, and the five man midfield dominating the middle of the park. In the first twenty minutes we fashioned a handful of half chances before a long ball from Billy Tilley set Paul Neil free and his powerful first time shot across the goalkeeper found the corner of the net. It was a goal out of nothing but typified the threat we posed throughout the game. A handful of sloppy errors allowed HSBC a host of half chances but Terry Vinson dealt with everything thrown at him including a vicious strike from the edge of the box that he tipped around the post. David Paterson looked as mobile as I’ve seen him since he gave up football for good (for the fourth time) eight years ago due to some life threatening injury, and, in a defensive three, along with Gary Baker and Billy Tilley, kept the HSBC strikers at bay.

HSBC started brightly in the second half putting us under concerted pressure but we soaked it all up before hitting back with the pivotal moment in the game. A Steve Powell corner was swung in at pace and Simon Clare rose above three defenders, including one who had clearly been fed steroids from birth, and headed the ball powerfully into the top right hand corner. The Carshalton players went mad, the three supporters invaded the pitch, Andy Walter lit up a fag, and Dave Paterson even stopped watching the hockey for thirty seconds. It was a champagne moment for everyone, even someone as modest as me.

From then on the game was safe. Tom Ritchie and Richard Bennett came on for Matt Dudley and Gary Baker and provided clear evidence of the strength and depth in this third team squad with excellent performances. Andy Walter stayed on the touchline shouting abuse at everyone while smoking thirty fags, providing clear evidence of his value to Benson and Hedges International. Throughout the second half we defended with great determination as HSBC threw men forward and we fashioned several excellent chances on the break. On another day we could have scored five or six, but most importantly it was another clean sheet.

I promised some of the educationally challenged in the team that I wouldn’t use too many long words so I hoped they understood most of this report. We found out after the game that our referee was a professional actor who had appeared in films like the Mean Machine and television series like Who Dares Wins. This came as some surprise to most of us as he’d done a thoroughly unconvincing job of acting like a ref for 90 minutes. (Actually that’s a total lie as he had a very good game right up until the point when he told us that his man of the match was Dave Paterson. At that point we lost all respect for him and called him a cab!). This was an excellent start to the season.

Simon Clare