It may surprise many people, or indeed everyone, to try and suggest that Steve McClaren and England have much in common with Andy Walter and the Carshalton third team, but both sides have learned valuable lessons in recent weeks regarding the shortcomings of playing the 3-5-2 formation, and both managers need professional makeovers.

On Saturday, the Carshalton 3s, robbed of several players through absence or theft, gathered at the hallowed Beddington playing fields to face a team few had ever heard of, and only someone as intelligent as I could spell. I think they were called Seenjon Gramamamrrianss or something along those lines but my spell check just exploded when I asked for help.

It was with some relief that on arrival at the clubhouse, I found that our new players included James Chambers, a player who only took up football at 17, made his debut for the first team at 19, and then lost interest because he found the game so easy. With him in the side we quickly forgot we were missing….well whoever it was we were missing. It was good to see James Harrison back in the fold, albeit with that massive thumb print in the centre of his forehead, and most remarkable of all was the appearance of Andy Walter between the sticks, particularly as we had to guide him to the goalposts because his eyesight is so bad these days.

We kicked off playing a 4-4-2 formation for the first time this season, and it was immediately clear that this gave better balance to the side, with Carshalton controlling the game for the first twenty minutes. That’s more than be said for the referee who was having the proverbial nightmare not helped by the fact that nearly every player on both side appeared to be auditioning for panto by screaming at him every time he got any decision wrong. It was appropriate given the number of scousers on the opposition side that I spent much of the first half telling players on both sides to “Calm Down Calm Down”. On a serious note, and one that applies to all players in all teams, it is simply unacceptable, no matter how bad the referee, to verbally abuse him and jump up and down and act like a child every time he gets a decision wrong. Unless you genuinely have proof that he is trying to fix the game due to bribery or some deep seated hatred of Carshalton, he is clearly making innocent mistakes and who the hell would want to be a referee anyway. On at least two occasions we almost conceded goals because players were shouting at the ref rather than getting on with playing football and defending. In conclusion I would ask one question. When has a referee ever changed his decision after a player had abused him?  I have yet to see it happen.

We played some good football in the first half hour yet the breakthrough came from a more direct route. Yours truly, blessed with little talent but the ability to throw a ball along way, duly chucked the ball into the six yard box where a scramble ensured and my fine midfield partner Dave Fenton arrived late in the box (only shortly after Johnny Harris had arrived for the game) and scored from 1/5th of a yard. (Some said it was my goal but I have scored so many in my Carshalton career I let it go!).

Only minutes later and a huge clearance from the back gave Paul Neil the sniff of goal he needed and having used his strength to knock their centre back off his stride he controlled the ball, beat the defender, beat the goalkeeper, and calmly smashed the ball into the net. Having led three nil last week and ended up drawing 5 v 5, we decided to shut up shop and defend the lead, but inevitably we let the opposition back into the game. A corner fortuitously arrived at their most talented player on the edge of the box, and with every Carshalton player frozen to the spot, he read the paper, did the crossword and then drove the ball threw a crowd of players, and Wal’s legs, into the net.

The second half was an infinitely better performance. We won every single first phase ball, largely due to an immense performance by Richard Bennett, who must have had bruises all round his forehead after winning every header he contested, terrific battling from the likes of Dudley and Fenton, and even I bothered to get my knees dirty with the odd tackle. As a result we created loads of chances. Shots whistled past crossbars and posts, and their keeper pulled of great saves to deny Paul Neil and Tony Edwards. Eventually the pressure told with good work by Edwards rewarded by a smart control and shot from the edge of the box from Neil which was far too powerful for their keeper. Not long after and another great throw from…well me…found its way to Tony Edwards, and from six yards out there isn’t a better finisher in the Club.

What more is there to say apart from well done to Dave Paterson who put in a fine performance despite being the victim of a serious assault in the early hours of the morning. At approximately 1.17am he had innocently asked an attractive blonde in the Black Sheep bar in Croydon if she wouldn’t mind giving him a massage to help him prepare for his match tomorrow, and she proceeded to slap him round the face. Shocked he said, “why did you hit me” to which she replied “I’ve heard some dodgy chat up lines in my time but pretending that someone of your size and build can play football, well you must think I’m a complete idiot”. To be fair the same question has baffled scientists for years!

It is with great difficulty and reluctance that I find myself giving the man of the match award to Andy Walter who was magnificent in goal. His kicking was brilliant and he pulled of several fine saves but he really does need to buy his team more drinks after such a good performance, the tight tosser. Paul Neil and Tony Edwards are proving a great combination up front and Steve Powell, whilst needing to work on his fitness, has the best left foot I’ve seen in the Club in ten years, since Buzz retired. Great to see James Chambers playing so well, and in that kind of form he must surely rise through the sides, assuming this rather confusing squad system can actually allow that to happen. Sadly I’m away for the next fortnight but with the current strength and depth in the club I doubt I’ll be missed….apart from my long throw-ins that is!!!!!

Simon Clare