The Breast Stroke
No doubt created for middle-aged women who like dry hair.  As for movement, any speed it is lacking somewhat.  Whenever I attempt this stroke I seem to be treading water on a horizontal axis.  And who decided to incorporate the froggy legs?  Who decided that humans would benefit from an awkward movement to enhance this already dire excuse for water travel?

The Butterfly
Although not a fan of the frog’s influence upon our swimming technique, I am willing to accept that as an amphibian the frog knows a thing or two about swimming.  What I am unwilling to accept is how such an abnormality of an animal which is in a species group all on its own, who if it goes near water will die instantaneously, has managed to have a stroke named after it!  If anyone were to try such a oddity of a stroke in a normal swimming pool situation then surely a budding Mitch Buchanan would be there in no time to rescue you from the prangs of death.  You would look less ridiculous doing the doggy paddle and definitely find it less tiring.

The Backstroke
I can only presume that the backstroke was the work of the owl.  No other creature (possessed exempt) can swivel their heads 365°.  For mere mortals we must constantly turn our heads round to see where the end is, ultimately resulting in a good whack on the head at the end of every length.

So in conclusion, front crawl is the only stoke worth bothering with, highlighted by the fact that there is no 50m front crawl race.  Just Freestyle, and only a half frog / half owl cross would choose an alternative method.  My advice is float around in the baby pool.  It is so nice to get the occasional warm thermal past your leg... lovely.

Anyway that off my chest I would like to congratulate the team on another fine victory. Man of the Match Graham Carling, not for his ability on the field but for his ability in convincing all his lady friends that he plays for the same team as Paul Gascoigne.

Matt Osborne