Carshalton News

In a special report on Cable 17 last night attention was deflected from the Washington Sniper as it was revealed we, in England, have our own home grown Public Enemy No.1.  This fiend (only known to Police as the Mojo Mugger) preys on peoples virility, confidence and self-esteem.  When they are at the height of their euphoria and least suspecting an attack the mugger strikes, taking all passion, zeal charisma and enthusiasm with it.

‘MOJO’

The Mojo Muggers latest victim is the unlikely David Glennister of Bennetts Way, Shirley.  The incident was first reported by close friend Matthew Osborne "I received a phone call from David at 11pm on Friday 18th. He sounded depressed and told me that he did not want to go out drinking on Friday. He then proceeded to rule out the whole weekend's festivities and then said it was unlikely he would be playing football or going out drinking for at least another fortnight!".

"Drink!"

Matthew had seen this happen before to close friends Jay Bille-Spriggs and Paul Lyford, however this time there was not a woman involved - these circumstances were unique.

"Matilda"

We managed to catch up with David first thing this morning in the horticulture section of Croydon library - "I just don't feel like going out at the moment, besides I have a lot of work to do for my new job. I don't see why some people have to drink to enjoy themselves. Whatever happened to spending an evening in front of the telly watching Noel’s House Party or enjoying your own company in the comfort of their own home?".

"Library"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the David Glennister who has not been sober on a Friday or Saturday night since the age of 13.

The public is advised to be vigilant...more to follow.

Finally, on a lighter note, Mr J.Huggett, Hoggy to his friends who notched up three Carshalton performances last year has found a brilliant way to destroy the scum of the earth. In a recent conference held in Sanderstead he said 'If you really want to disturb a Daily Mail reader, tell them that asylum-seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles and eventually their head will explode'. Start spreading the word.

Matt Osborne