Abridged Version (for those with little time to spare)

Yeah, we won. It was 4-1. Brian scored again, Norm scored again, Trevor scored again and there was an own goal.  They got one. We changed , showered, had a drink, and all went home.

Full Report (For the discerning reader)

A very positive mood has pervaded the Vets Squad in recent weeks, it is noticeable before the start of each game and it persists, despite Jim ‘Our Special One’ Finn’s pre-match team talk, throughout the ninety minutes. Some more educated commentators have suggested that a significant factor in the persistence of this upbeat mood is consistent steadying and uplifting presence of The Norm.   Some other, less educated, less intelligently analytical, commentators, have suggested that it has absolutely nothing at all to do with the Norm and can be associated simply with the fact that the Team are playing well and achieving good results.

Whatever the cause, it is certainly having results, as can be seen from a reading (if you have sufficient time) of match reports from the last few weeks.   And so it was on Saturday when we faced the Chelsea Old Boys.

Just before the start I looked across to the touchline and marvelled at the array of talent that Our Special One could afford to leave on the bench: Tony ‘The Flying Dutch Elvisman’ Van Emst - fast, quick-thinking, powerful, and resplendent in his black socks, black shorts, black Carshalton training jacket, and matching jet black hair; Gavin ‘Weavin’ Dykes - a legend in the team, goals to his name and truly one of the greats.; John ‘Silky Skills’ Foster - so nimble, so aware and such a subtle touch, when he passes the ball it is kissed rather than kicked.  With a bench like this, surely we were Chelsea?   Then there are those missing through injury. What is Souness whingeing on about with all that “depleted squad can’t expect results …” stuff.  We’re without Mike ‘Can Do’ Briggs, John ‘Does Do’ Shaw, Ian ‘The Quiet But Effective One’ Newman, Wayne ‘The Loud One’ Stone and still we’re turning in the performances and results week in, week out.

From the start we were up and at them.  The absence of the moustache was having an obvious effect on Peter ‘Pace’ Culham.  He was quicker and it seemed as though his shoulders were straighter and more upright, surely the removal of a little facial hair could not have such an effect.  A strong starting midfield took control and very little was seen or heard of the Chelsea midfield.  Carshalton’s movement of the ball was fast and accurate, leading quickly to our first goal.  Brian ‘The New Boy’ Ashwood showed that his fine debut performance (see match report 22nd January 2006) was not a one-off and he thoroughly deserved his original billing from our very own clear English specialist, Our Special One, of: “he a bloke what can playing da footballing”.

Not long after, The Norm headed in a second (for Carshalton in case there could be any doubt on the subject).  This came from a long throw-in from the Power Ranger (Sam Karlsson).  The Norm rose majestically and deftly glanced the ball sideways towards the goal.  Time slowed, as all heads turned to watch it float past the outstretched arms of ‘Roger’ the Chelsea goalie.  Some doubters suggested that the goal was and fluke, and that ‘Roger’, spotting that The Norm was the only ‘threat’ in the vicinity of goal Area, had been leaning against the far post relaxing and reading the newspaper.  However, most observers were clearly of the view that The Norm’s goal was the very manifestation of the essence of ‘the header’.

Chelsea then tried to get back in the game, their lone striker was causing the occasional problem but Kevin Sullivan had the measure of him most of the time. However, a long though ball found him running at pace towards The Special One who, uncharacteristically, was playing deep, very deep, in and around the six yard box.  In the time-honoured and usual fashion, Dave Aldridge, who was standing at least 2 feet behind Our Special One, yelled “Keeper” (the shout being recorded at 110 decibels, and setting off car alarms and causing an old lady walking a dog on the far side of the Park to have an angina attack).  Apparently Our Special One didn’t hear the shout and he attempted a big hoofing clearance.  Sadly, the kick wasn’t to Jim’s usual high standards and within moments the striker had covered the few feet between Jim and ball and slotted it into the Carshalton net.

Never mind, we were still ahead and we were still controlling the game.   The subs were brought on and adjustments were made: The Norm was cunningly moved from right back to right back and once again, showing great versatility, he slotted in as though there had been no change.  Shortly before half-time Trevor Boughton scored our third.  A powerful, low drive from a difficult angle saw ‘Roger’ perplexed over the decision whether to put his foot in the way of the ball in order to stop it or to lift his foot thus allowing the ball free passage into the back of the net.  Surprisingly (but happily for us), he chose the latter and we were 3-1 up.

At half time, Our Specious One (oops, sorry about the spelling error Jim), decided to make a few changes for the second half. However, due to injury Chelsea needed to borrow a player.  Realising that the game had been a bit one-sided and that it would become much more even if he were to play for Chelsea, The Norm altruistically volunteered his services. Chelsea offered him any position on the field but The Norm, felt that the greatest challenge lay in continuing at right back as this would require him to deal with not just Gavin Weavin Dykes, but also Peter ‘Pace’ Culham and Tony ‘Elvis’ Van Emst, all of whom were preferring to play wide and/or left..   I am able to report that no goals came from any of those three in the second half, any attack from that quarter being quickly disposed of, and it is probably better simply to record that in the second half Carshalton scored only one goal which was an O.G. in relation to which the Norm had no part to play although credit has to go to Gavin for a superb corner and Brian for forcing the error.  The high point in the evidence for The Norm was when Chris Moggridge was seen to advance on The Norm, only to realise the futility of that whereupon he turned on his heel and headed off back towards the Carshalton side before offloading the ball to the other side of the pitch.

This was clearly ‘a game of two halves’, three goals in the first half with The Norm for Carshalton, and one OG in the second half with The Norm playing for Chelsea.  I leave you to draw the inevitable conclusions!

Anyway, enough of the unerringly accurate detail.  What of the overall Carshalton performance? A fair assessment is that Carshalton won this normally difficult fixture with relative ease.  The reasons for this are easy to discern: good team spirit, abundance of effort from everyone, good understanding between players, and everyone seemed to have a good game.

Keep It Up!

 The Norm