To: Chief of Staff, Field Marshall General Sir ‘Buzz’ Geddes
War Office,
Carshalton, 
England

Despatches from the battlefront - February 25th 2006, Pitch 3, Carshalton

Sir,

A match against the Honourable Artillery Company (‘HAC’) is always likely to entail some form of bombardment and the potential for ending up in a Mess.  They are well-drilled, organised outfit with the motto: ‘Arma Pacis Fulcra’, which can be loosely translated as ‘Armed Strength for Peace’. 

Last October, we engaged HAC in an away battle as an expeditionary force and we lost 4-1 (although it has to be noted that the abandonment of conscription, and one of our platoon having deserted had meant that on that occasion we were reduced to only 10 men). 

At home on Saturday despite the absence of General Jim ‘Captain Mainwaring’ Finn OAP of the Home Guard, we had a full platoon of seasoned campaigners and our leaders for the day (General Trevor Boughton DFC, FC and Bar; Captain Wayne Stone DGO, DFC, DSC+D; and Lieutenants Tony Van Emst DFC, EPLA, BMW and Peter Culham DFC, DGO + Moustache) had thought through a potentially effective battle plan.  The only issue was whether our elite special forces could penetrate enemy lines and capture a few goals.

The Campaign started rather well, there were some successful early skirmishes in ‘no-man’s land’ and our advance guard was getting in behind enemy lines and causing trouble in their penalty area.  Similarly, our sappers manning the machine gun posts in the defensive trenches were successfully repelling their forays behind our lines.  Particular mention should go to recent signing Cadet Officer John ‘Gills’, DGO  playing his first outfield battle for five years or so. ‘Gills’ was just as effective as he had been in goal on his debut (see match report for 11.2.06). Private 1st Class ‘The Norm’ DOBS, having been given special training for marking ‘the big gun who always scores with headers at set pieces’ was successfully preventing any hits from that quarter.  Eventually, however, HAC’s superior fire power started to tell and they were 2-0 up by half time, their first goal resulting from a hand grenade tossed into the goal at the back post and the second from a 750lb shell fired from a 12” Howitzer which was virtually unstoppable.

After a short ceasefire, during which both sides had the opportunity to partake of their liquid rations, the second-half battle commenced.   Very soon we had managed to capture a goal.  However, this was no ordinary goal. This goal was the defining moment of Lieutenant Culham’s distinguished career.  If the BBC had been present it would have featured on (and won) ‘Goal of the Month’.  Lieutenant Van Emst, operating under cover deep behind enemy lines, was in possession in the right hand corner.  With the enemy defensive troops closing in, and notwithstanding the risk that he could be shoulder-barged or even kicked in the shins, Van Emst paused, coolly looked up, and saw Culham making a solo infantry charge on the fringes of the HAC penalty area.  Before the enemy could advance further, Van Emst had effortlessly nay, instinctively, delivered a looping cross of incredible and infinite subtlety and sublime quality into space directly in front of Lieutenant Culham’s position.  Culham, calling upon years of training and battle experience as a crack foot(ball) soldier took the said looping cross of incredible and infinite subtlety and sublime quality on the volley, propelling it magnificently, powerfully, accurately, and unbeatably into the back of the HAC quartermaster’s stores.   Later at the debriefing in the NAAFI, Culham indicated modestly that he believed it to be the best goal he had ever scored in any battle in his long career as a frontline officer.  No-one dissented, certainly not Lieutenant Van Emst who was clearly elated at being associated with the creation of such a goal.  Everyone agreed that the allegations of cowardice and desertion that had been aimed at Lieutenant Culham for the day in the 2004-5 season when he had run away from battle (see match report for 12.2.05 ) should now be expunged from the memory.

At this point, ‘Power Ranger’ Corporal Sam Karlsson DFC, had to depart from the battlefield for a short time on latrine duties.  During this essential absence from duty HAC scored again. An unfortunate friendly fire accident left Brian Ashwood DFC, ODE, and General Boughton lying in a tangled heap on the edge of our penalty area.  This downing of two vital soldiers provided an enemy sniper with a clear sight of our goal and he mercilessly fired a single round of such calibre that it pierced the back of the net, having first cleverly swerved past the defensive patriot missile that is Dave Aldridge DFC, DGO + Bar, DSC.

Within moments of the restart we were awarded a penalty for a clear tripwire offence and this was fired successfully into the back of the HAC QM’s stores by Sergeant Chris Moggridge OFSC, DFC.  At 2-3 we were still in touch with the possibility of at least securing a truce.  After the occurrence of an unfortunate incident in the HAC wall, involving some hand to hand combat between Corporal Ashwood and a HAC defender, and which required the intervention of the official UN Observer Alan Lawrance, Captain Stone felt it necessary to grant some well-earned leave to Corporal Ashwood.  This required the return to the battlefield of Corporal Ian Newman who was sent to ‘the front’.  Ian was clearly enjoying himself and at the same time causing some difficulties for the HAC defensive sappers.  It should be noted that Corporal Ashwood was tireless in action and performed in the style of a certain civilian footballer named Rooney, covering every inch of the pitch and being the subject of frequent wounding by the enemy.  Brian will be absent on well-deserved leave for the next couple of weeks.

In the event, the outcome of the battle was decided in the dying moments when Private 1st Class ‘The Norm’ momentarily deserted his post after a corner (entirely attributable to a severe case of shell shock) thus allowing the ‘the big gun who always scores with headers at set pieces’ to meet the ball on it’s rapid return to the Carshalton goal mouth after a cleared corner and score his inevitable goal from a header.

In terms of recommendations might I suggest that the battle was well fought on both sides and that your Carshalton troops, despite being outgunned on the day, performed valiantly and, in doing so, did the Club and its reputation as a fearsome and formidable adversary, very proud.

 Private 1st Class "The Norm"

Glossary of Medals and Awards:

DFC                - Distinguished Footballing Cross
DGO               - Distinguished Goalkeeping Order
DSC                - Distinguished Shouting Cross
DSC+D            - Distinguished Shouting Cross with Dissent
OFC                - Order of the Football Club
OFSC              - Order of Fulham Supporter’s Club
ELA                - Elvis Look-alike Award
BMW              - BMW
DOBS             - Distinguished Order of the Bull
ODE                - Order of the Dodgy Elbow

Addendum to Vets Report for 25th Feb 2006:

Sir,

For operational reasons it was not possible to mention Sergeant Mike Briggs, DFC+Hamstrings, in last week's Dispatches.  In fact, 'Briggsy' had only just returned to active duty after a period of many weeks of domestic convalescence, necessitated by reason of horrific leg muscle injuries sustained in an earlier match when he was captured by the opposition and subjected to a mid-match torture session [please note for the avoidance of doubt, that he did not crack under the torture and managed to limp off the pitch and crawl back behind our line].  At the time of writing last week's Dispatches, Briggsy was still regarded as 'TOP SECRET' and was undergoing extensive debriefing having played under cover and in disguise in four different positions during the match