This week’s Reading comes from the Book of Reports, Chapter 16, Verses 1-14  

[With translation and explanatory notes by the Author]

1.   In the land of Beckenham, east of Beddington, by the River Beck, there dwelleth the Old Pastonites, a tribe of footballing people of generally civil and sporting disposition.  Now it came to pass that on the 4th day of March in the Season of our Club 2005-6, the Old Pastonites did travel to Beddington Park by the River Wandle, to engage in a match of football against our Carshaltonite Veterans.

2.   And on this day the Carshaltonites were captained by Jim, Son of Jim’s dad who dwelleth close to Beddington Park.  And before the match, Jim did speak unto the Carshaltonites and did say unto them wise words of encouragement.  And the afternoon was fine and the sun did shine on the 3rd Team pitch and the Carshaltonites saw that it was good.  And when the Old Pastonites had come unto the pitch the match commenced.

 The Wonder Goal

3.   And in the tribe of the Carshaltonites there is a player of fabled strength, power and skill who is known as Sam ‘Power Ranger’ Karlsson.  And it came to pass that Sam was wandering abroad just inside the old Pastonite’s half, when he chanced upon the ball rolling towards him.  And without further thought Sam did smite the ball a mighty blow and it did rise as though on a winged chariot and verily it flew upwards unto the Old Pastonite’s Temple.  And it is written in the scrolls that the ball moves in mysterious ways, for suddenly it came to pass that as the teams looked on in wonderment, the ball did unexpectedly dip and enter between the pillars of the Old Pastonite’s Temple.  And at this goal the Carshaltonites gazed in wonder and did thricefold utter the words “miracle” and “wonder goal”.

The Return of The Prodigal

4.   It is reported that within a few moments of the happening of the wonder goal that a second miracle did occur, and the story is as follows.  It had come to pass that in the match report for 24.9.2005 (Reports, Chapter 2, Verse 3) a match played, coincidentally, against the Old Pastonites, that it was written of Tony of Orange that ‘Things were a bit quiet on left midfield but if, and when, Tony the Dutchman returns to full fitness, and his confidence in front of goal returns, we can be hopeful that goals will once again come from that side also.’ 

5.      Thereafter, for eight home fixtures and six away fixtures, the Dutchman did wander in the Wilderness, barren of goals.  Many times was he sorely tempted by false prophets who promised him goals, fame and good reputation amongst his people, but on each occasion when he succumbed, he was found wanting and no goal did result.  And in the dark corners of the Carshaltonite Temple it began to be whispered that the Dutchman was, perhaps, related to a certain small grey rodent of dubious choice in footwear, reputed to reside on the stairways of Old Amsterdam[i], and that he, like the rodent, did indeed also wear clogs but cunningly designed to resemble elite football boots.

6.   And on the 4th day of March in the season of our Club 2005-6 in the return match against the Old Pastonites, it came also to pass that the Dutchman did find his missing form which had been lost but was now found and he did score the elusive and fabled first goal of the season.  This first goal of the season for the Dutchman had come from some good teamwork, Kevin Sullivan, the appointed custodian of the right midfield, begat a deft pass to Sam Karlsson, Sam then begat a deft pass to the Dutchman.  The Dutchman did then twist and turn and accelerate past the defence and from his sling he did launch the ball once again into the Old Pastonite’s Temple.  And the Dutchman did rejoice for he saw that it was good. And indeed it was good and his team-mates were pleased for him and they did rejoice with him and there was much rejoicing in the camp of the Carshaltonites.

The Missed Penalty

7.   And it is written in the Proverbs that ‘Pride comes before a fall’.  And indeed it came to pass that it was seen amongst the Carshaltonites that the proverb is indeed keenly accurate[ii].

8.   In the final third of the first half of the match, the High Priest, Referee Lawrance was watching from his temple when he did observe that one of the guards of the Old Pastonite’s Temple did seek to slay Kevin Sullivan and had smote him mercilessly to the ground. And lo, it was clear that the heinous crime was committed within the limits of the penalty area.  And casting aside the protests of the Old Pastonites, Alan did pass judgment on their tribe by awarding a penalty to the Carshaltonites.  And the Carshaltonites saw that it was a good thing and they did praise Alan and they did hold him in high esteem (albeit temporarily).

9.   But who shall take this penalty asked the Carshaltonites.  Now the Dutchman called (very quietly it is said) unto the Carshaltonites and asked of them this: “Let him who is without the same number of goals this season as ‘The Norm’ take the penalty.”  And the Dutchman, realising that he was thus qualified to take the kick, and (allegedly) hearing no reply from his team-mates, cried out saying “Then it shall be I, heir of Ruud of Van Nistleroy, begat of Johann of Cruyff, descendant of the line of William, Mary and Elvis, who shall take this penalty.”

10. But it came to pass that the Dutchman, being a Dutchman, was enchanted and beguiled by the orange coloured-strip of the Old Pastonites and he was rendered without strength of kick or directional ability, and he guided the ball tamely into the arms of Goliath, who was guesting for the day as Keeper of the Goal of the Old Pastonites.  Now the elders of the Carshaltonites did wonder at this event and were afraid, recalling a match report written by the Dutchman himself, concerning a previous encounter between the two sides which did take place on 27.9.2003 (Reports, Chapter 2, Verse 2). And hence the Dutchman’s goal tally stayed at 1 and although he did covet The Norm’s tally of 2, it came to pass that it was not.

The Old Pastonite’s response.

11. And the Old Pastonites were sorely troubled by the events which had unfolded and even though it was the Sabbath they did toil harder.  And thus they were rewarded with their first goal.  The High Priest Referee Lawrance had awarded a direct free-kick to the Old Pastonites in a dangerous position close to the Carshaltonite Temple.  Using trickery and deception, the Old Pastonites did lead the Carshaltonites to believe that the delivery was to be sent to a head at the far pillar whereas, in fact, the intention was to kick directly for goal at the near pillar.  The trickery was almost foiled by Dave Aldridge, the guardian of the Carshaltonite Temple, but verily he was also tricked and sorely let down by his wailing wall, and despite his valiant attempt to deflect the ball, thence it passed into the rear of the Carshaltonite Temple.

The Not So Missed Penalty

12. Now a new Carshaltonite known by the name of Bob Brice joined the game shortly before the end of the first half.  Within moments it had come to pass that Bob was presented with a difficult situation which involved a pass back in the Carshaltonite penalty area, Dave Aldridge, some outstretched arms belonging to Dave Aldridge, and an Old Pastonite striker lying face down on the grass.  Once more the High Priest was called upon to judge.  After a nanosecond of deliberation he rose up and awarded a penalty to the Old Pastonites. And indeed it came to be, although unfairly, that the High Priest was cast down by the Carshaltonites and no longer held in such high esteem by them.  The kick was taken and although Dave managed to get to it, the shot was too powerful, it deflected over his outstretched body, and once again the ball passed into the rear of the Carshaltonite Temple.

The Second Half

13. The Carshaltonites and the Old Pastonites did continue to toil throughout the remainder of the match in an effort to bring honour to their tribes but despite many chances no further goal was won on either side.  Many times did the Carshaltonites advance with Peter Culham and Kevin Sullivan and, of course, the Dutchman, but each time they were repelled by the Old Pastonites.  Such was the frequency of the attacks that even Wayne Stone from the heart of the defence made a fearsome and mighty run towards their temple although he failed to smite a blow. Many times did Mike Briggs and Derek Cadman also test the Old Pastonites but to no avail.  And similarly did the Old Pastonites seek entry to the Carshaltonites Temple but they also were resisted.

The Flying Dutchman

14. Close to the end of the match the Dutchman was cast grievously to the ground and, in what some thought to be a miracle, he was seen to fly through the air.  Yet before he could regain his feet he was set upon by a mob of angry Old Pastonites led by a man sorely afflicted by anger and contempt unfairly calling the Dutchman a “Cheat” and clearly intent upon stoning him.  The Dutchman and the Carshaltonites were astonished. Thence the High Priest uttered a few words of wisdom in the ancient tongue of ‘referee talk’ and the Old Pastonites cowered in terror and wonderment, and it came to pass that peace and calm were restored to the field.

And so in the end it came to pass that no further goals were scored and the match ended with 2 apiece and the old Pastonites returned to the land of their fathers whence they came.

 "The Norm" son of William