Maori are a good, well-organised and fit team. The fixture is always a hard one (although in this fixture last year we managed to beat them convincingly).  Also it was clear that Carshalton are still not fully match fit after the players’ return from International duty this summer.

The actual recorded score for the fixture was Maori 4 – Carshalton Vets 1.  However, science is a very wonderful thing, and it was apparent to a scientist such as yours truly, that this scoreline was eminently appropriate for some deeply scientific adjustment to reflect certain exceptional factors, i.e. that the first half was played under ITU[1] Rules and John Shaw had been pressganged into goal.  Thus, the match can be reconsidered as follows:

1.      Score adjusted on basis that first half refereed under European Rules rather than ITU:

Maori 3 Carshalton 2, and

2.      Score adjusted for lack of experienced goalkeeper:

Maori 2 Carshalton 2

At this stage you might be doubting the scientific skills of the author and be thinking to yourselves this is just a bit of ex post facto rationalisation i.e. ‘e’s just making it up’.  However, as always with the application of quality science there will be a scientific conclusion which can be subjected to the most intense scrutiny.   In this case the evidence in support of my conclusion is as clear as it gets, namely:

Whilst the scoreline at half-time was 4-0, the second half, which saw the introduction of Peter Culham in goal and the referee adopting European rules, saw no further goals for Maori and one for us: QED.

Our goal came late on in the match. In a reverse of last year’s performance when he didn’t score a goal for months and months[2], the goal was scored on his first game back by the Chairman himself, the one and only Tony ‘The Dutch Elvis’ Van Emst.  It was the inevitable result of a perfectly placed, pin-point accurate corner from Gavin Dykes. So perfectly placed, so pin pointedly accurate was the corner, and so confident was Elvis that he would be receiving it without intervention from opposing defence, that he was still combing his quiff as the ball sailed across the Maori goalmouth towards his head.  Elvis momentarily moved the comb from his hair, took one small step forward, and nodded the ball home, pausing only to ensure, in true Kingly style, that all hairs were in place before acknowledging the adulation of his loyal subjects.  

Regardless of the science set out in scientific detail above, the general view in the changing room after the match was that the scoreline did not truly reflect the match.  We had had much more of the play than the final result would suggest.  All in midfield had played really well and had battled tirelessly, the defence had not really done anything wrong, and the forwards had done some great running and had had a number of chances.  Essentially, it was just that we were thwarted by good defending from Maori. 

 The Norm (Visiting Professor of Scientific Football Score Readjustment, University of Carshalton , Beddington Park , Surrey )