The Norm’s Pre-Report Waffle

This week, in the guise of a match report, I am also called upon to write about the welcome return of a prodigal, in this case the legendary Chris Hithersay, a former stalwart of the Vets who had last been seen in the 2004-5 season celebrating after scoring a thundering goal from 25yds in a match against Economicals.  Chris, in the style of all the great sporting heroes had allegedly ‘retired’ at the top of his Veterans game – some unkind commentators (also Vets players) had suggested that he had become so frustrated by The Norm’s inability to play the square ball that he had decided that this really was the time to go.  These unkind commentators have also been heard to suggest that, in fact, The Norm has driven away a number of players, and for reasons far more diverse than the mere inability (or is it unwillingness?) to play the square ball.  Numerous examples have been suggested including Buzz becoming Club Chairman so that he would be too busy to play on Saturday afternoons, Shaggy retiring, Wayne emigrating to Australia, Trevor Boughton feigning a long term knee injury, Kevin Sullivan volunteering to work in Ireland, Mike Briggs choosing any foreign business trip that Exxon can offer.  Anyway, let us put aside such malicious gossip and return to the report.

Surely it was by divine providence (given that by Thursday p.m. ‘Jimmy the Finn’ had only managed to muster nine players for the Old Parsnips match), that Chris Hithersay’s agent chose this very week to phone and (allegedly) offer the Finnster a significant bung to his offshore bank account to facilitate Chris making a welcome return to the ranks of the Vets. The rest is history. Having lost the last two fixtures by significant margins, the return of Chris saw some shape and positional discipline return to the team (although for legal reasons it is not formally admitted that such shape and discipline had been absent in previous weeks). The bellowing of the Finnster and the dry, sarcastic northern humour of Derek Cadman, just doesn’t have the same effect as the Hithersay bark, when said bark is combined so effectively with the ‘Hithersay critical but understanding’ stare, a stare which has the effect of making you feel like the walking embodiment of all that comprises a bad footballer and makes you feel guilty about it at the same time.

The Match

The match was reasonably evenly contested in the first half although the Finnster was justified in suggesting in the half time team talk that we should be ahead.  OP had had a good chance to take the lead early on when a powerful shot from their best player rattled the cross bar.  Shortly after, we appeared to have scored a goal which the Ref initially gave and then, after much reasoned protest from OP, disallowed for offside (no one ever knew which of the twenty-three passes leading up to the goal was the offending one!).

The second half saw us start with renewed vigour, and some good work all around kept OP under sustained pressure.  We were controlling the midfield and Power Ranger Sam Karlsson and Pete Culham were causing OP’s defence immense problems on the left.  Eventually the hard work paid a dividend with a great strike from the Power Ranger giving us the lead.  All the time, Peter Street was playing in his usual stylishly calm and controlled fashion, receiving the ball, holding the ball and distributing at the right moment.  It is easy to imagine Peter being able to play whilst also sipping tea from a bone china cup and saucer.  Gavin was being Gavin, lots of sprinting twisting and turning. James Greenhouse (borrowed from the 4ths for the day) was very effective on the right, showing great pace and control.  Eventually the inevitable second goal came.  Although the ball was actually slotted home by Peter Culham, this goal was really down to James. He chased and pressured and eventually forced an error from the OP goalie. It looked as the ball was rolling out for a corner close to the right-hand upright but James seizing the opportunity went for the ball, covering the distance in an instant.  Before the OP goalie could do anything James had darted inside him and cut the ball back towards the penalty spot, all Peter Culham had to do was calmly fire the ball into the unmanned goal.

OP lifted their game (or did we relax at this point?) and worked hard to recover, causing a few problems for our defence.  John Gills, in particular, rose to the challenge, repeatedly winning the ball in the air to ensure that the goal scoring opportunities were limited.  The few chances that got through were then dealt with effectively by Dave Aldridge in goal.

In the end, we secured the 0-2 win.

The Norm