We played the Honourable Artillery Company (‘HAC’) away this week. The venue, the opposition and the result, brought to mind the famous poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson, ‘The Charge of the Light Brigade’ which seems eminently suited to set the scene for the report which follows [one verse omitted, and for references to the ‘Light Brigade’ read ‘Carshalton Vets’ and for the ‘600’ read ‘12’]:

Half a league, half a league, 
Half a league onward, 
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred. 
'Forward, the Light Brigade! 
Charge for the guns!' he said: 
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!' 
Was there a man dismayed? 
Not though the soldier knew 
Some one had blundered: 
Their's not to make reply, 
Their's not to reason why, 
Their's but to do and die: 
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred. 

Cannon to right of them, 
Cannon to left of them, 
Cannon in front of them 
Volleyed and thundered; 
Stormed at with shot and shell, 
Boldly they rode and well, 
Into the jaws of Death, 
Into the mouth of Hell 
Rode the six hundred. 

Cannon to right of them, 
Cannon to left of them, 
Cannon behind them 
Volleyed and thundered; 
Stormed at with shot and shell, 
While horse and hero fell, 
They that had fought so well 
Came through the jaws of Death, 
Back from the mouth of Hell, 
All that was left of them, 
Left of six hundred. 

When can their glory fade?
o the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered. 
Honour the charge they made! 
Honour the Light Brigade, 
Noble six hundred! 

The Club Football Artist’s ‘artist’s impression’ of the battle scene at HAC on Saturday 21.10.06

So to ‘The Charge of the Carshalton Veteran’s Brigade’ by ‘The Norm’:

On this fated day the nine available members of the Carshalton Vets Territorial Brigade, together with three brave conscripts from the Regular Carshalton 4ths, made an ill-advised foray behind enemy lines at the headquarters of The Honourable Artillery Company.  Into the valley of  Death [aka HAC Headquarters City Road, London EC1] ambled the Carshalton 12. As we crossed the car park, armed only with our regular issue energy drinks, bananas and chocolate bars, we passed the daunting sight of numerous pieces of heavy artillery placed strategically around the perimeter of the battlefield.  We could see the massed ranks of the HAC Vets dressed immaculately in their Barcelona replica kit and highly polished boots already engaged in their warming up procedures and being drilled mercilessly by their RSM.  This was no conscripted army of pensionable age veterans [Jim] reluctantly drafted to the cause by the call of national service, these were highly trained and motivated crack troops, fit, ruthless, hard as nails, and skilled in football combat and …they had reserves.

Our leaders, the Lords Cardigan of Elvis and Raglan of Dean Parfitt seemed oblivious to the significant danger we faced and during the pre-match chatter seemed more concerned with the apparent absence of our uniforms and discussing the relative advantages of knitted woolly winter garments in the winter battlefield.  Sergeant-Major Hithersay in a moment of characteristic madness suggested that we could play ‘skins’, although this seemed to be met with murmurs of dissent, centred mainly on the impossibility of being able to play football on a pitch which featured Sergeant Cadman’s uncovered upper torso [I would have used the word ‘body’ but that seems an inappropriately complimentary description in the context of Sergeant Cadman].  However, the playing uniform problem was eventually resolved as the kit was parachuted in with Corporal Stewart Williams.

After a short warm up we were called into line by Acting Field Marshall Lord Raglan of Dean Parfitt to be briefed on the battleplan and given our individual orders.  In true nineteenth century leadership style, an integral part of the battleplan involved the Lord Dean Parfitt observing from a vantage point at a safe distance from the field of combat, where he could issue orders in relative safety and without any risk of injury to himself beyond the possibility of a sore throat and high blood pressure.

The shout went up

Both teams took up their positions ready for the start of battle.  The UN Observer blew his whistle and battle commenced.  There was a shout of “Company advance” and as a man the HAC ranks moved forward, advancing on our lines as a unit and immediately pinning us back into a small area.  We started to take a pounding, with shells being fired behind our lines from both east and west and the HAC advance guard breaking through and skirmishing repeatedly.  For the first 15 minutes we soaked up the punishment without loss. The defensive line was holding fast and the trenches were not being overrun.  Then there occurred one of those regrettable war incidents for which no military handbook can prepare, namely the loss of a goal occasioned by an incident of friendly fire (known in warfare as an ‘og’).  This ‘og’ resulted from an incoming high velocity exocet striking Private Norm on the outside edge of his boot as he went over the top for some man to man combat with a HAC forward gunner.  The missile deflected past our Rear Gunner (Corporal John Sturges) and into our headquarters tent.  Shortly after this unfortunate incident we sustained our first casualty as Rear Gunner copped one to the inner groin.  It seemed as though he had merely received a stray piece of shrapnel in the area of his small pistol but in fact the injury proved to be more serious and after some treatment from the medics in the field he retired from active combat.  In his usual heroic style [military historians in the readership please note that it wasn’t raining on Saturday] Captain Culham volunteered to deputise as rear gunner and hastily donned the exceedingly bright, orange camouflage jacket.  Realising that our Brigade was now down to ten, the Lord Raglan of Dean Parfitt joined the field.  The pressure continued unabated, and whilst we had the occasional foray behind enemy lines from Kamikaze General Lord Cardigan of Elvis, Corporal Williams and Corporal Chris ‘Growler’ Moggridge, and a couple of shots from an edge of box sniping position by Sergeant Hithersay and reasonably close range from Lord Elvis, essentially we were engaged in a battle of chasing and defending.  Two HAC infantrymen sustained life-threatening casualties [well, you would have thought they were life-threatening given the amount of yelling and rolling around on the field involved!] but after treatment they both returned to the fray as though they had never been injured, these soldiers seemed able to regenerate and brought to mind an irritating and utterly forgettable science fiction fight action films featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme [Universal Soldier].  Before the half-time break the UN Observer missed a clear breach of the Rules of War and allowed an offside HAC to fire a second round into our net.  

The battle continued in similar fashion after the temporary truce called by the UN Observer, despite individual acts of bravery from various members of our expeditionary force we just didn’t seem to be able to win many of the skirmishes in No Man’s Land.  It was one of those battles where it appeared as though all the luck went with the enemy.  On reflection, perhaps it was just that they were fitter and a bit sharper to the ball than we were.  We took a third hit to our tent midway through the second half, this time from a lucky header which was not particularly aimed at goal but spun from a HAC head to the top left corner and eluded the acrobatics of Captain Culham.  

After more fierce hand to hand combat we sustained a second casualty when, about twenty minutes from the time appointed for the cessation of hostilities, The Lord Raglan of Dean Parfitt sustained a severe injury to the leg.  Heroically, he rose to his feet before collapsing again.  Unfortunately, despite the kindly attentions of the HAC medic he was forced to declare himself Hors de Combat whereupon he returned to his hilltop position to direct operations with his field glasses and megaphone.  Morale remained high amongst the remaining troops as we knew that concern about his fast-approaching expensive luxury golfing holiday to the US had not in any way influenced the Acting Field Marshall’s decision to retire from the battlefield.

We battled on, the writer sustained a grievous injury to the lower back ten minutes before the end but refused to leave the field [can’t afford a luxury golfing holiday] and continued to fight on in support of his colleagues despite intense pain and obvious risk of long term damage [Such bravery and dedication to the Carshalton cause is surely part of the reason why he was unanimously voted Vets Player of the Year 2005-6].

In summary, it was a tough, draining match.  We were neither as fit nor as strong nor as disciplined as our enemy and we certainly didn’t have as smart a uniform! In the event, despite the able assistance from the SCS [‘Special Carshalton Service’] three namely, Captain James Geenhouse, Lieutenant Dave ‘Budweiser’ Robins and, in particular, the cool, talented, and solid performance of the youngest of the SCS contingent, Private Dan Lawler, we were simply outgunned.  Additionally, despite some periods of reasonably good play, it was just one of those weeks when everyone [not just The Norm this time] seemed to be under pressure and on many occasions the first touch was lacking and the onward pass a bit wayward. 

On a positive note, however, the same fixture last year saw us lose 5-1!

 The Norm
War Chronicler, Poet, Artist [no additional words needed for that one, thankyou]
& loyal Carshalton foot soldier