Critics ‘Pick of the Day’

‘Vets’ (The award winning*¹ soap opera, loosely based on some older blokes playing a game resembling football).

2 p.m. on Carshalton 3

Cast List:

(Home Team)

(Opposition Team)

11 non-descript extras, all with bit parts involving only limited shouting roles, and a very young lad with 2-tone hair.

Setting and opening scene: Carshalton Pitch 3. Lots of leaves on the ground. Quite sunny but sun low in western sky. Carshalton players wandering about playing at warming up but mainly standing around chatting, kicking the ball occasionally in a sort of ‘vaguely disdainful of proper warming up / I really know what I’m doing’ kind of way. After a few minutes home team cast are gathered in a circle by the lead shouter for a pre-match inspirational shout.

Review
It was difficult to decide the appropriate genre for this week’s episode: Was it Comedy, Drama, Thriller or Sport?  We can discount the idea of thriller immediately and perhaps it is safest to say that it contained elements of all three.  The home team cast were certainly scripted to be up for the challenge and they started off well although in the usual way of these things not so well as the home team.  The midfield contest was intense although the script appeared to be designed to give the advantage to the home team. A few penetrating attacks by Carshalton early on hinted that this could be a winning episode although there would be no awards at the end of the series. The ball was being passed around well but the opposition appeared to be dealing with most threats.  The pressure was mainly from Carshalton but chance after chance was squandered.  A bit of unscripted ad-libbing saw The Norm, encouraged by some noises off from Our Derek, firing off a shot from far outside the penalty area.   Although the shot was clearly goal bound as it left The Norm’s boot, it must have been caught by a strong gust of wind as it moved inexplicably wide of the goal by a very significant margin. 

The programme continued with Tony Van Elvis getting himself about a bit and Chris Hithersay controlling things effectively in midfield. The most recent cast member, Ben ‘The Legs’ Bartlett was performing well on the right side of midfield and Peter Culham and Gavin Dykes were doing what strikers do (except for striking). Eventually, however, the deadlock was broken, and Carshalton went ahead when a superbly choreographed move was acted out featuring Peter Culham.  He had clearly learned his lines this week. What was most impressive was that the goal was actually scored by Peter himself and not by a stunt footballing double as so often happens in the world of Film and TV.  The programme then continued in much the same vein up until (the previously unheard of on the BBC) commercial break, with attacks from both sides but only Carshalton ever looked like actually scoring. 

The start of the second half saw renewed effort from the BBC and eventually they scored.  They brought on their lad with the two-tone hair and his youthful athleticism provided a new dimension to their attacking game.  Their best player managed to squeeze the ball through the two Carshalton central defenders some 15 yards from the edge of the penalty area and, despite a valiant pursuit and slide from The Norm, he had time to fire the ball past Dave Aldridge to level the score.  Fitness began to tell and for the first time this season it was Carshalton who were scripted to be the fitter side (was this a first?).  The BBC midfield and defence were noticeably tiring and becoming increasingly late with their tackles.  After a few poor tackles outside the box, eventually one of them panicked and felled Peter Culham in the box.  The script verged on comedy at this point as the offender defender claimed that there had been no contact and Culham had dived.  However, the shout of penalty actually came from the other 10 BBC players, and their extras, comprising manager, substitute, a couple of spectators and even the dog that one of them had brought along for the afternoon.

Now was the highpoint of the drama in the script and for a moment the programme almost, but not quite, became a thriller.  Who would take the penalty?  Who would bear the immense responsibility? Who would step up to the plate and show his metal?  Inevitably, and, no doubt, specifically and cynically intended to boost the ratings amongst the female viewers, it was the team heartthrob Chris ‘Growler’ Moggridge.  Every possible moment of suspense was milked from the moment, Growler stared purposefully at the BBC goalie, the goalie stared back at Growler, the camera zoomed in on the perspiration forming on the goalie’s upper lip, his eyes darted nervously from side to side,  Growler placed the ball purposefully on the spot and slowly stooped to remove some microscopic debris that would have gone unnoticed by an ordinary penalty-taker, Growler started to walk away and then, without warning, he turned on his heel and raced at the ball, in an instant he and ball connected, the ball was fired with immense power towards the goal, gathering momentum as it flew inexorably towards the back of the net whilst the goalie, now shown in SLO-mo, dived the wrong way. We then cut to a scene showing Growler Moggridge naked from the waist up, looking satisfied and smoking a cigarette whilst his team-mates looked adoringly on.

The programme then continued with some last ditch effort by the BBC which was expertly repelled by the trusty Carshalton defence (Jim had gone off by then). And we ended up 2-1 winners.

The Norm
Carshalton TV Critic, and prize-winning*² author of the best selling anthology of match reports:

‘A life in football [not]  - What’s this round thing coming towards me? What’s that? Goal? Did I do something wrong?’
© Carshaltonfc 2006
ISBN 0-413-563899
Published in 2006 by Vanity Publishing Inc.