Given the wonderful accessibility of the world-wide-web and its inevitable implications, this report has required a significant effort by yours truly to turn out as diplomatic as it has. More on that later.

First the incredulous news: the reason why I, as Chairman of Carshalton FC and non-playing captain on the day, am writing this match report, is that there is an unwritten rule that the scorer of any goal on the day will not write the report on that match. This is clearly to prevent said scorers from excessively exaggerating the quality and execution of their goals compared to the actual shinned, off their bum, miskicked efforts they usually are. Very sensible rule I hear you say, and indeed it is. Hence the fact that ‘The Norm’ invariably writes the Vets report, i.e. nothing to do with any literary talent. (No Norm, scoring an own goal does not fall within that rule!)

So, Norm is not writing this particular one because, yes do not fall off your chairs, he scored!! On top of all that, it was the winning goal and, I have to admit, one of the very sweetest winning goals I have witnessed given the developments during this game.

Back to the need for diplomacy. We all drag our ageing, aching bodies out of bed on a Saturday morning to have an enjoyable afternoon attempting to re-live our youth in a fair, friendly and, yes of course, competitive, game of football. Unfortunately, our games with Blackheath Wanderers have over the years been marred by unnecessary and overly aggressive behaviour by a number of their team. Jim Finn saw all this coming and made a hasty retreat to the safe confines of Stamford Bridge. Trevor Boughton also thought his legs too expensive for this fixture (£1.59 a leg, buy one, get one free as he doesn’t do anything with the other one). Van Emst thought about coming on but quickly changed his mind having observed what went on. The remaining Carshalton brave hearts were assisted by Dave, Steve and Lee from the 5s and never surrendered.

Carshalton quickly went 1-0 down but goal machine Pete Culham, despite having lumps kicked out of him all afternoon, equalised with a powerful finish at the far post. Just before half-time Blackheath took the lead again after an error in the Carshalton defence. Brian finished the half still with his head on his shoulders despite an unsavoury promise to have it removed for free by a Blackheath forward.

Carshalton equalised again early in the second half with a fine header by Chris Moggridge at the far post following a good corner by Tony Grimes. Following an innocuous 50-50 shoulder challenge by Brian, against the same opposition forward who had so kindly offered to remove his head in the first half, said forward actually punched Brian in the face!  Queue pandemonium of course with the non-playing captain all set to take Carshalton Vets off the pitch. Referee Alan Lawrence, who had been on the receiving end of abuse and complaining after virtually every decision, rightly decided to send both players off ( a first in Carshalton Vets football I think!) to avoid a total breakdown of the game. The only funny thing you could say about this incident is that both the culprit and his victim were coppers! Makes you feel safe at night, doesn’t it! Oh yes, Blackheath took the lead again from the resulting penalty.

Again, Carshalton did not give up and again Chris equalised. The latter stages saw Carshalton play with three at the back in true Dutch style (I was very proud to witness it…) and put pressure on Blackheath. Norm kept pumping good balls into the opposition’s box but none of them were converted by our players. He thus decided to take matters into his own hands and launched one, as if hit with a pitching wedge, which sailed over the advancing goalkeeper into the net for the Carshalton winner! Norm’s (more than normal) exuberance in the bar afterwards was somewhat tempered when he was advised by his team mates that his goal put him on net zero in the goal scorers tally given his own goal earlier in the season which had put him on minus one!

A satisfying ending to a game that could have been so much more satisfying though. Afternoons like this are not really what Vets football should all be about.

Tony van Emst