Having defeated Carshalton in the Battle of City Road during the November 2006 offensive, HAC attended Beddington Park on the 24th February 2007 purely as a military exercise being conducted by an army of occupation.  Early sightings of the brightly attired HAC advance guard engaging in extensive warm-up exercises were reported to Vets HQ by Captain Culham DGC immediately upon his reporting for duty.  When we went out to Pitch 3 for pre-match camp building and reconnaissance operations it became dazzlingly clear that HAC had indeed arrived.  It was also dazzlingly clear that they were here to test out their new ‘Shock and Awe’ Night Vision battledress.  As my regular readers will know, HAC model themselves on last year’s European Champions, Barcelona – this is not arrogance on their part, it’s just that they’re all City bankers with loadsa dosh to spend and they like the Barcelona strip.  Indeed they like Barcelona so much, and they are so wealthy, that they have now invested in the ‘Shock and Awe’ Barcelona away strip for their away games.  An amateur vets team with two kits, frightening!

Anyway, the dazzling away strip is what HAC were wearing for the match last Saturday and it explains why Captain Culham had been able to spot them from the other side of the Park.  As always with my reports, I have carried out appropriate scientific research before commenting.  On this occasion I have conducted research into luminosity and I have used my findings to identify the weapon effectiveness of the Barcelona away strip (not that scientific research was needed to tell me or the rest of the Vets team that in the confined space of Pitch 3 the luminosity factor was so great that it was almost impossible to see anything other than the Barcelona away strip).  Anyway, using the normal GCSE science knowledge namely, (1) that luminosity can be described as the brightness of a light source of a certain wavelength as it appears to the eye, measured as the ratio of luminous flux to radiant flux at that wavelength, and (2) using the Stefan-Boltzmann Law, which states that the rate of energy given off through radiation by an object is proportional to the fourth power of the object's temperature and is described in the following equation:

F = esAT⁴, where F is the rate of energy flow in Joules/sec (or Watts), e is the emissivity of the object, s is the Stefan-Boltzmann constant, A is the surface area of the object, and T is the temperature of the object in degrees Kelvin. The Stefan-Boltzmann constant has a value of 5.67E-8 Joules/sec m² K⁴. Obviously therefore, the emissivity is a dimensionless number and ranges from 0 to 1; a perfect black body has an emissivity of 1, while very shiny objects have an emissivity of close to 0. Human skin has an emissivity of 0.6 to 0.8.  Viewing an object with a luminosity factor of 0.35 will cause watery eyes, 0.2 cannot be viewed directly, 0.15 will cause temporary blindness even through closed eyes, and anything below 0.1 is capable of causing eye damage.

I have carried out all necessary calculations using Stefan-Boltzmann Law and it appears that Barcelona away strip has a luminosity factor of 0.05!  Need I say more?  How would we be able to fight under this disadvantage, never mind the more standard problems set out below!

What we saw prior to the start of hostilities was worrying.  The entire Barcelona HAC team were engaged in extensive warming up exercises which culminated in their assembling in a large circle and executing fully synchronised stretches.  A reliable source within the HAC camp reliably informed me that the routine had been devised by the Regimental physio and was designed to ensure minimum casualties during battle operations.   Given the circumstances of HAC being the army of occupation, in its own way the combination of luminous clothing and warm up display was like a latter day contextual re-enactment of the news film of Herr Hitler triumphantly parading into Paris in 1940.

Battle commenced and we were immediately under pressure.  Within moments we had once again (see report of Battle of City Road – 11.06) suffered a friendly fire incident, the first of two in this battle.  The first was the stuff that MOD slo-Mo replays are made of: Missile fired well by HAC forward artillery, Captain Culham saw it early and started to dive. Unfortunately, missile ricocheted off an unnoticed camouflaged large object and changed course. Captain Culham valiantly tried to twist and dive in the opposite direction but his body armour was too heavy for the muddy ground and the missile struck its target.  The subsequent Board of inquiry established that the ricochet was in fact, off Captain Jim’s rear gun mount.

The pressure on us continued and we were soon 2 nil down.  The pressure on us continued and we were soon 3 nil down.  The pressure continued and we were soon 4 nil down.  [By now you should be getting the general idea about how it was going]

Next came the second friendly fire incident.  Although a less comic incident, it was just as fatal, we were now 5 nil down.  A daring and valiant raid by Lieutenant Steve Giddings saw us inflict a scoring hit on HAC but we were still four behind and the enemy were not happy, it was clear that they were now intent on retribution before the UN ceasefire resolution was implemented by Alan the black-shirted peace observer.  Sure enough, within moments they had rounded up a number of our men (the defence) and shot them, i.e. the pressure on us recommenced and we were soon 6-1 down.   Thus the battle ended, with all hopes of liberation being postponed until later in the year.

The Norm [official Carshalton War Journalist]